Monday, August 3, 2015

Am I going to miss this?

I wrote this back in March, but never got around to publishing it. So, here it is, four months later! (Pictures are also from March.) Things are feeling easier in some ways, and harder in others. Such is the nature of parenting.





There have been many nights lately where we will be eating dinner and Neil will ask me how my day was. I look around and see HP melting down, E is in my lap nursing because she is tired and too fussy to be set down anywhere, and the house is a complete mess. So in response, I just start singing this song and after a beat Neil joins in.

Because moments like those? We aren't going to miss.

But there are plenty of moments that we will. This afternoon we were outside (March in Austin is perfection). While we waited for Neil to get home HP was busy dipping a paint brush in water to wash off the chalk drawings we made yesterday. E was content hanging out, being her relaxed little self. I was laughing with HP and smelling E's feather soft hair. When Neil arrived we decided to have a picnic in the front yard. And I thought, I am going to miss this.

I just went back and reread Glennon's Carpe Kairos essay. I think I should set a reminder for myself to read that once a week, because it always makes me feel less alone. Lately, parenting has been hard. So hard. At the end of the day have me in tears telling Neil how very not okay I am hard.

I am fairly pragmatic about my parenting experience. I known there are parts I am going to miss, but I also know I am not someone is going to wax nostalgic for these early years. I will remember the hard moments, the just-trying-to-survive moments, and the please-God-let-this-be-a-phase moments.

When I look back on this time, I hope I can say that I did my best to soak in the sweetness of having an infant and a toddler. But I also hope I remember that sometimes even that was too much to ask, and give myself a high-five for just making it through.

2 comments:

  1. First, your children are so gorgeous. Those blue eyes! I love that they definitely look like siblings. And thank you for writing so honestly. These young years can be so. very. hard. In just the past few weeks I have had times when I am alone and home with both boys and I actually enjoy myself, it feels like a turning point. Many times when I've had to be on solo parent duty I have told Chris, "the only thing I can guarantee is that everyone will be alive when you get home." And honestly many times I have not enjoyed those solo parenting hours. And I don't feel guilty about that at all. Someone always needs me. The house gets messier and messier all around me. I told Chris that so many things about parenting young children go directly against my personality (planning, efficiency, cleanliness, quiet, logic). I have found that I try to live in good moments and soak those in. But I also want to remember that it was hard because then we'll appreciate the smallest things (drinking coffee uninterrupted in the morning! making dinner without meltdowns! sitting at the table having a family conversation! everyone getting in the car peacefully!).

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    1. The mess! The mess never ends. I never considered myself a particularly tidy person before having children, but being faced with the disarray that is a natural consequence of young children I am reminded just how much "outer order leads to inner calm" as Gretchen Rubin would say. Just today I put half the toys that were out away in a closet (and we didn't have that many out) because I just could not deal with them being strewn about over and over.

      You are spot on about appreciating the small things. Some days finding that one bright moment is what carries me through. (And coffee uninterrupted in the morning? That right there is the dream, folks. The luxury!)

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