Thursday, August 1, 2013

Darkness

I was going to write a post about our trip to Missouri and how wonderful it was and how much I love and miss my family, but I can't. The last time I came back from a trip I was pleasantly surprised with how happy I was to be back at home in Austin. This time, that didn't happen.

I need to not live here. In this house. I need to live in a walkable neighborhood. I knew we were giving that up when we bought this house, but I did not know how desperately alone and isolated it would make me feel.

The heat is oppressive. It takes us at least twenty minutes to bike to visit friends, usually more than thirty. With the heat index well over one hundred every day now, HP gets overheated in half that time. The Texas summer sun is brutal, and this summer has been mild. It makes me feel trapped.

I told Neil we need to move. Soon. Out of this house. Either to a new city or a new neighborhood. I know it means we would have to rent, and rent will be much more expensive than our mortgage. I know it means we would only break even on our house in the best-case scenario.

I don't care. My happiness is more important.

I feel selfish saying that. It makes me feel like I am making an irresponsible decision, both financially and otherwise. But I am unhappy. And I am not sure how to get around that fact.

I miss my family. I miss living in a smaller town. I miss having four normal seasons instead of the "hot" (eight months) and "not-hot" (four months) seasons that rule the calendar here.

When people used to talk to me about the weather affecting their moods I used to smugly think it's just weather! and assured myself that it wouldn't happen to me. But it has, and now I want to slap my superior-minded former self in the face. There are lots of things in my life I can control, but the weather is not one of them.

Last night I got on my bike, rode partway to the library, turned around to come back home, then proceeded to sit in the dining room with tears streaming down my face while I told Neil a truth that was as hard to admit to myself as it was to say out loud.

I feel depressed.

It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I am failing.

I know this feeling will pass. I know I will feel differently in the fall and winter months when it is bearable to venture outside of the house after eight in the morning. But right now? In this moment? It sucks.

2 comments:

  1. I so get this. I'm in EXACTLY the same place right now. I hate my house, neighborhood, town. I miss my family. I want to move last year.

    I get it. It sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally get the weather/mood thing. What's weird is that rain and cloudy days kill me. Thankfully it's not a whole season (I can only imagine living in the kind of heat you must survive, I would be dying) but still, it's the most ridiculously predictable thing. I will wake up on rainy days and think, "this will be a good day." but then by noon I'm calling Ben and telling him that I don't know why I'm so sad. He tells me to look out the window.

    Yes, it definitely makes you feel weak, powerless.

    I can only imagine living far from family, I will be praying for you. Love you Sarah!

    ReplyDelete