Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Overdue

I am officially five days overdue. I have to say, aside from my swollen feet (which get worse by the day), I'm still feeling comfortable.

Yesterday we finished painting the bathrooms, which were the last rooms to complete before Wolverine arrives. The guest room and Wolverine's room still aren't done, but we're not going to start those projects before the birth.

I spent the morning preparing food to put in the freezer. I'm not as stocked up as I'd like to be, but considering all the other projects we've had to do, I'm just glad anything got made at all.

I've been having a lot of signs of impending labor, but not the real deal. I think Neil and my mom are more anxious than I am for this baby to be born. It's not that I don't want to meet him/her, it's just that I am content to wait.

We'll see how I feel in a week if I'm still pregnant.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Due date

Today is Wolverine's due date. I feel strangely ambivalent about it. Since my mom had both my sister and I almost two weeks early, I never expected to make it this far. Even so, I feel less impatient than I would have imagined. These last few days with Neil have been relaxing and lovely. He has been so thoughtful and caring, which makes me fall in love with him all over again. We're both ready and excited to meet Wolverine, but we're not in a rush. Every day I wake up and think, "I could give birth today. Or not." And then I just keep doing what I'm doing and don't dwell on it. Honestly, it's hard to believe we've reached the end. We've been so busy fixing up the house and moving that the last two months have flown by. I think Wolverine is giving us this extra time to slow down and reconnect with each other before our world is turned upside down.

A few weeks ago I told Neil that I felt like I had done this pregnancy all wrong--that I should have done a better job documenting the pregnancy. He just looked at me and said that I was being ridiculous. I think his exact words were, "Sarah, do you think people a hundred years ago worried about documenting their pregnancy?" True enough. Just because I didn't write letters to my unborn child every week doesn't mean I love him/her any less. Of course that's not to say I think it's a waste to spend time documenting and connecting with your child during pregnancy--it's just not something I faithfully did and I am working to let go of that guilt.

A week from now I'll probably have a child on the outside.

Or I'll still be pregnant.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Thoughts on only having one child

Henry and I both read Maybe One by Bill McKibbon after seeing it referenced in the comments of this post.  The book was written over a decade ago, but it is still so relevant.

There were points when reading this book that I was moved to tears.  It feels so overwhelming to think about what kind of world we're bringing Wolverine into, knowing that environmentally the future looks bleak for him/her.  I know the horrors of climate change and the seeming irreversible path we're on, but when I hear it laid out it breaks my heart in a new way.  I go from feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the issue to frustrated that no one is doing anything.  I feel compelled to only have one child for environmental reasons, but at the same time I feel angry that I'm considering giving up something I so deeply want when it seems as though the rest of world isn't sacrificing at all.  I want more than one child.  To stop at one feels... incomplete.  Maybe I will feel differently when Wolverine arrives, and Henry and I both agree it will be a completely different conversation at that point.  Right now I am not willing to give up my desire for more than one child, even though morally it feels like the right choice.

Henry and I make a lot of choices based out of concern for the environment.  We don't own a car.  We avoid flying whenever possible (although admittedly we've both emitted more than our share of carbon through flying in our lifetimes up until this point).  We don't use the air conditioning or the heat.  We try to buy in bulk to reduce packaging.  I say this not to brag, or pat myself on the back, but because all of the aforementioned things don't feel like a sacrifice; they feel like the way we want to be living.  Having one child does not feel like that; it feels like the most monumental sacrifice I would ever make.

I was particularly moved by the passage that refer to the "special moment" that we're in.  The idea that trying to mitigate the environmental damage we've already done is a challenge unique to our generation resonates with me.  It may not be fair, but it is what it is and we have to give it our best effort, even if that means giving up some things we desperately want.

Our discussions after reading the book were frustrating for both of us.  I was so emotional that it was hard to rationally discuss the topic and more than one conversation ended with me in tears.  I kept saying that I feel like we would only be having one child "on principle" and that it wouldn't really make a difference since no one else in the world seems to care about the fact that our world is falling apart.  Henry had trouble with my use of phrase "on principle" because he thinks we should be making decisions on our principles, not based on what the rest of the world is doing.  And he's right.  But I am where I am.

Henry is convinced that he would prefer to stop at one, but is open to continuing the discussion post-Wolverine's birth.  I feel I want two children, but also recognize that the most responsible course of action would be to stop after this one (or to not have one at all, but that ship's already sailed).

To be continued after the birth of our child and we have some concept of what it means to be parents.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Letting it go

For the past week (or two) I have been stressed about not having our house ready.  I had grand plans to have everything done, ready, and set up before Wolverine arrives.

I have changed my perspective.

Now I am ready for Wolverine to come whenever he/she would like.  We have working bathrooms, the kitchen is unpacked, and as of yesterday our bedroom is completely painted (including trim, which took hours and hours and hours of my time and resulted in me calling Henry in tears late in the afternoon).

Are most of the rooms painted?  No.  Is everything unpacked?  Not even close.  Have we completed all the projects we want to?  Not a chance.  But I'm okay with all of that.  Instead of spending all day painting and preparing, I'd rather spend the days/weeks we have left enjoying life as just the two of us before we become a family of three.  So I'm letting go of having the house in perfect order.  It's not like it would stay that way for long anyway, right?

Part of the reason behind this change was the realization that I need to make room in my life for the possibility that I could go into labor at any moment.  Up until now I've known that was true intellectually, but I kept pushing it aside hoping that Wolverine would wait longer.  In order to be mentally/emotionally prepared for the birth I need to change my state of mind.  So I am.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Sometime this month

Wolverine will be here.  Oh my.

We're officially in the house now.  The first two nights were spent in a tent in the backyard because the fumes were still bothering me, but as of last night we're sleeping in the house.  Baby steps.

Unpacking.  Slowly, slowly... The kitchen is completely unpacked (except for our regular size plates which seem to have gone missing) along with most of the clothes.  There are still a lot of items--both furniture and boxes--sitting in the garage waiting to be put in their proper place.  By Thursday it should all be done (fingers crossed).  We're trying to put a coat of wax down in every room before we put furniture in it full time and since the wax takes 48 hours to fully cure, we are having to strategically choose which rooms to do first.

Surprisingly I'm feeling good about where we are.  If Wolverine were to come tonight/tomorrow, we'd be okay.  It would be ideal, but it would work.  The more time we have, the better (the list of items to get done on the house seems to grow instead of shrink...), but it no longer sends me into a cold sweat when I think about going into labor.

I had a scare on the night of the 30th when I woke up from a dream that I was in labor.  I was about to go back to sleep, then I realized that I actually was having a contraction.  Talk about bad timing.  Henry was sleeping at the house to open it up and let it air out, all of our stuff was in boxes, we hadn't finished cleaning the apt (that we had to move out of the next day)... Let's just say it would not have been the most convenient time to have a baby.  Luckily I was able to go back to sleep and felt fine in the morning.

As of last night my swollen ankles are back.  Oh, pregnancy!  Even with the swelling, I'm already feeling a twinge of sadness knowing that I only a limited time left in this pregnancy.  This last trimester really flew by.